"Nonviolent Communication": "Bad words hurt people in June, A good word can warm you in winter." Read a book in 3 minutes.
Today we are going to read "Nonviolent Communication". In these short 3 minutes, we delved into the essence of this book. In the book, we learn that by learning nonviolent communication, we are able to create deeper connections in our relationships. We quoted the old saying that "a bad word hurts someone in six months, but a cool word warms them up in winter" to emphasize the importance of kind words and understanding.
We understand why we need to learn nonviolent communication. The human mind is very interesting. For a long time, when our mental needs are not met, it no longer reminds us in a direct way, but through indirect hints, which may appear as inexplicable emotional outbursts or sudden triggers. But often we don’t know why, and it doesn’t just happen to us, it often happens to others too.
Social culture tends to make individuals suppress their own needs and focus more on meeting society's expectations, which leads to many people facing similar problems. Nonviolent communication guides us to change the way we talk and listen. It is no longer a conditioned response, but a clear attitude to observe our own opinions, feelings and wishes. We learn to use language intentionally to express ourselves candidly and clearly while also listening respectfully to others. This communication process cultivates respect, care and love for each other, thereby promoting harmony and cooperation. By using loving words, we also increase our ability to love.
So how to practice nonviolent communication? The book gives four steps:
First, we must conduct unbiased observation, which is the ultimate expression of wisdom. Nonviolent communication requires us to abandon the attitude of commenting when communicating with others, listen to the other party's words without any value judgment, purely observe what is happening, and clearly state the observation results and clarify the nature of the problem.
Objective observation is not easy, and people often confuse observation with commentary. Comments are often emotional, and emotional communication often creates hidden dangers from the beginning.
Secondly, we need to express our inner feelings. We are often not good at expressing our emotions and are used to using authoritative and correct words. Therefore, we often consider how others expect us to act and ignore our own inner voice. Furthermore, we need to care about the feelings of others and understand and express our own emotions more clearly, which can make communication smoother. When expressing our feelings, we can show vulnerability and help resolve conflicts. Convey sincerity and a deep understanding of your emotions. At the same time, we need to distinguish between emotions and thoughts, and use "I feel" instead of "I feel" because "I feel" often expresses thoughts rather than emotions.
The third step is to express the needs. This often comes with criticism and expectations. Criticism of others is actually an indirect expression of unmet needs, and there is often an inner desire behind the words. Nonviolent communication emphasizes that the source of feelings lies in one's own needs, expectations, and perceptions of other people's behavior. Together, these factors shape our emotions, and by understanding our own needs, desires, and thoughts, we stop blaming others and realize that our feelings come from within.
When we make demands in a critical way, it often leads to arguments or counterattacks. Conversely, expressing a need directly is more likely to result in a positive response. In order to achieve effective communication, we need to take responsibility for our own feelings and recognize and be aware of the needs of others.
·Finally, making requests clearly tells others what actions we want them to take, not what actions we don’t want them to take. Requests should be specific and unambiguous, the more specific the better. It is important to note that requests should be made in an equal manner, not coercion or whispering.
Nonviolent communication is not about changing others to suit them, but about valuing each person's needs. Its goal is to build a connection based on honesty and listening, which requires distinguishing between requests and commands. However, the first three steps can be difficult, while the last step is relatively easy.
As a result, some people may adopt a more radical approach, replacing observations with comments, feelings with ideas, and directly proposing solutions regardless of their own and others' needs. However, this approach is often not conducive to solving the problem and may instead exacerbate the differences between the two parties. While barriers to communication are created, it becomes more difficult to achieve true connection and understanding.
We need to understand that practicing nonviolent communication requires a certain amount of effort, including identifying one's own emotions, expressing one's own feelings and needs, and understanding the emotions and needs of others. Sometimes we can struggle to express our feelings clearly and accurately, let alone help others express them. When expressing, we need to recognize our own emotions and inner needs, and at the same time understand the emotions and needs of others.
In short, nonviolent communication provides a positive and in-depth communication method that emphasizes paying attention to inner needs and building respectful and understanding interpersonal relationships.
By observing, expressing, feeling, understanding, and requesting in an equal and constructive manner, we can cultivate more harmonious and effective communication in our interactions. This is a process that requires practice and patience. But through continuous learning and practice, we can gradually improve the quality of communication and build healthier relationships.
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